thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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