The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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