all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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