So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
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There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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