just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
