textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
