I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
