I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
