barbara walters just said penis...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Randomize
