It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
