she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
