Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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