Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
