2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
