Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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