Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
