3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
