Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
