Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
