Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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