My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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