just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
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Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
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It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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