im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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