god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
