she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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