Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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