I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
