the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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