the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
