I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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