Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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