i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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