WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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