I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Why can't burritos get me drunk
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
