you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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