I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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