I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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