my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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