And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
