drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
