He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
