and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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