dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
