i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
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This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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Drank your wedding present. Sorry
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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