i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
