I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
