Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize