I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
