2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
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A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
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I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Text me some of your sweat
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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