About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think I just shit out all my problems.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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