Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
