last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I still have a little drunk in my system
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
