Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
