If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
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