end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
