She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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