I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
