Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
