i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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