I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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