I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
