Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
