Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
